Included Below: Record Keeping / Gimme a Break / Biography of X / Archives / Tune In. Click HERE for further information about this newsletter. To those from before and those who are new-
I. WELCOME!
Keeping Track.
I feel like I really dodged a bullet. The internet came into wide usage when I was in university. Or at least, that’s when I remember getting my first personal email address. I feel like this was good because I grew up without the internet, which meant I knew a childhood free of social media. But, also, I was still young enough to have an interest in how all this stuff worked and figured it out. Not anymore, which is the privilege of getting old.
It seems like everyone’s life is being archived. It used to be that only famous people, like artists or politicians or whoever, had formal archives. I guess so we could have material to comb through in order to gain a better understanding of the person. I am really glad that most of my past, especially my childhood, was not recorded in any way. I was a competitive figure skater in the 1990s - that would not have aged well. And still, there are some videos floating around of me. I’m not sharing them and they are hard to find, but still.
I’m talking about this because it’s been on my mind since reading the book mentioned below, Biography of X. As you’ll see, I have the blogs and I have the books, but that’s it. In this area of everything being recorded, there’s a bit of a loss of control of how you want people to see you or remember you. I guess a narrative does form which is most likely artificially constructed.
Beyond these writings, I have very little to leave behind. A few years ago I severely downsized and got rid of a lot of things. This included a bunch of old journals and notebooks. Don’t worry, there was nothing really in them. Even though I am a writer, I am certainly not a journaler. My notebooks consist mostly of lists - a lot of lists - and just random notes and ideas. From a far, I’m sure they look like notes from a very disturbed mind. I remember throwing them out. I had a tinge of regret in my chest, but only a tinge. After five minutes, the tinge was gone and this is the first I’ve thought about them.
There’s probably something that I should talk with my therapist about - my need to be a reverse hoarder, to seemingly want to erase any footprints I leave behind me. Heck, I make the bed and tidy up when leaving a hotel room. But, it also means I have no clutter weighing me down, which makes for a light existence. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.
Q - What would be in your archives?
II. TALES FROM THE DREAM ROOM
Each month welcomes an exclusive excerpt of a story from a parallel world.
The Dream Room is a place that where everything is interconnected. The sights and sounds and people that inhabit this world feel familiar. The tales pulled from the Dream Room are sometimes true and sometimes fiction, they may scare you or make you laugh.
Now it’s becoming a series of novels. Every month this section will include an excerpt from a work in progress of the first volume in the Dream Room Series. The Dream Room is a place not to be taken lightly and if you’re ready to enter, read below and click on the link for the full story.
Every month will feature an excerpt from the series except for this month. I actually have a fair amount to the story to feature here, but I need to do some editing. And I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted. Let me explain.
Back in the winter, I decided to take some time off between work contracts to sit down and write out the first volume in this series. The way I work is to just collect ideas and scribble notes for a while, then when I feel I’ve accumulated enough material, I just blurt it all out on paper. This all started very well and I’d say I was about halfway through the book when tragedy struck and I got Covid for the first time. That just knocked me on my ass and I was out of it for at least a month. Then I did some travelling and here we are.
And you know when you’ve been away from something, it’s difficult to get back on it. Everything should be back up and running by next month’s newsletter. So, you’ll see Blair and Ash again soon!
Q - Do you have any sentimental items from your younger years?
III. PAUL’S PICKS
A recommendation of something watched, read, or listened to.
This book, the Biography of X, is one of the most enjoyable reads I’ve experienced in a while and the author, Catherine Lacey, is the first artist to make a return to Paul’s Picks. Ever since I randomly picked up her novel Pew, I’ve been a big fan. You know when a writer’s writing just clicks with you? Lacey is definitely one of those writers for me.
Fun fact: Lacey’s first book was called Nobody is Ever Missing, about a person who abruptly picks up and moves to New Zealand. She travels around the country as her mental health starts fracturing. If this sounds familiar, check out a little book I wrote called Dreams of Being a Kiwi. These two books could be companions.
Here’s what it’s about: When X—an iconoclastic artist, writer, and polarizing shape-shifter—falls dead in her office, her widow, wild with grief and refusing everyone’s good advice, hurls herself into writing a biography of the woman she deified. Though X was recognized as a crucial creative force of her era, she kept a tight grip on her life story. Not even CM, her wife, knew where X had been born, and in her quest to find out, she opens a Pandora’s box of secrets, betrayals, and destruction. All the while, she immerses herself in the history of the Southern Territory, a fascist theocracy that split from the rest of the country after World War II, as it is finally, in the present day, forced into an uneasy reunification.
A masterfully constructed literary adventure complete with original images assembled by X’s widow, Biography of X follows a grieving wife seeking to understand the woman who enthralled her. CM traces X’s peripatetic trajectory over decades, from Europe to the ruins of America's divided territories, and through her collaborations and feuds with everyone from Bowie and Waits to Sontag and Acker. Pulsing with suspense and intellect while blending nonfiction and fiction, Biography of X is a roaring epic that plumbs the depths of grief, art, and love.
One of the strongest and most intimate physical memories I have of X is from that night in our bed. It’s the sense memory of her arm bent around my chest and her fingers holdings on to my clavicle as she whispered, Stay here, stay here into my ear. Does time clarify or distort these memories? So many claim that distance from an event or a year or a person helps us see meanings and truths more precisely, without the muddle or myopia of the immediate moment - but is that so? Relief is often a stronger and more layered pleasure than happiness, and it was relief that washed over me when she returned that evening, and relief when she held me, relief even as I felt the part of her sweater hardened with blood, and all this relief was enough to carry me, to carry us deeper into love. — — — From Biography of X by Catherine Lacey.
Q - Any book recommendations?
IV. FROM THE ARCHIVES
An old story from my blog brought to you in a new way.
Because we’re talking about archives and history and creating a body of work, instead of highlighting a specific blog piece, I’m just going to point you to the whole 10 years of searchable archives.
Some of these are excruciatingly awful and of the time. This blog really went through all kinds evolutions and various levels of earnestness. I always tried to write what was true to me at any given moment, which can result in healthy honesty or cringey while trying to be cool or actually funny or kind of lame. It really runs the gamut.
As I mentioned above, it’s always been a bit odd to me that as a writer I don’t do any private journaling. Even though every therapist I’ve had or any self-help person worth a penny would suggest all your problems can be solved by journaling, I never took it on, it never stuck. I guess this blog was journaling, albeit in a very public way.
Have a look around at the archives at this link.
Q - What would be in your archives?
V. WATCH, LISTEN, READ, OR DO
Something to take with you.
There’s one last Stories We Don’t Tell event coming up next Saturday, May 13th before we go on summer vacation. You can RSVP here. But, what I really want to highlight in this section is an event my SWDT pal Stefan Hostetter is putting on. It’s gonna be a ton of fun. Here’s the details with a message from Stefan-
Hey there, Stefan here from the Stories We Don’t Tell team. As you may or may not be aware, along with co-producing SWDT I am also a co-host on a climate justice radio show called Green Majority that airs on CIUT 89.5FM.
And on May 18th, we’re hosting a fundraiser for CIUT that will be a night of finding joy in music, art, and community focused on the Toronto we could become.
We’ll have a bunch of local musical talent, artists, and community organizations all coming together to collectively imagine a joyful future for this city. If this sounds interesting more information and tickets can be found on our eventbrite.
Q - If you live in Toronto, or even just thinking of your own community, what is something you think could make it better?
You’ve probably noticed that I’ve included a question at the end of each section. No, this isn’t required homework. However, if you are compelled to write to me with your thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Who knows, I might even share some of the answers in future newsletters (anonymously, of course). Email me here: jpd@pauldore.com.
April 2023 Edition: Wind of Change / Tunnels / Stories We Tell / Grumpy / Stories We Don’t Tell.